I have just learned through top-secret channels (*) that The Government Manual for New Superheroes is being sold at the gift shop of The DC Spy Museum. That is way cool. I am delighted to know that the men and women of our nation’s secret services (and the tourists who love them) have easy access to the important costumed crimefighting tips they need in today’s dangerous world.
I don’t see the book listed in the museum’s online store, but that is doubtlessly because the book is too sensational to be sold online; it can only be sold in person, where the store’s highly trained clerks may assess whether the purchaser intends to use it for good or for evil.
(How then, you may ask, is the book available through Amazon and other online retailers? National security prevents me from answering that.)
(*) Actually, a college buddy told me(**).
(**) Well, actually, he told my co-author Matthew, and Matthew told me. This kind of serpentine information retrieval is exactly the kind of thing that earned me the approval of the DC Spy Museum.
A Song Parody On The Theme of “Lasik New York City”
(sung to the tune of Boy From New York City)
Oo ah oo ah oo oo, Kitty–
Tell us about lasik, New York City.
Oo ah oo ah come on, Kitty–
Tell us about lasik, New York City.
If you can’t see things
when they’re 10 feet high,
they shoot these laser beams
into your eye.
And no joke–when all that smoke
clears away, your cornea is OK-doke.
Oo ee– you suddenly can see.
Goodbye, crap (yeah, yeah)
corneal flap. (Yeah, yeah.)
Oo ah oo ah Kitty,
tell us about lasik in New York City
Oo ah oo ah Kitty,
Tell us about lasik in New York City.
These are my author’s copies. If you’d like your own, Amazon claims they are currently shipping the book within 24 hours, although I haven’t gotten any independent verification of that.
In any case, it is not too soon to begin checking your local bookstore for The Government Manual for New Wizards. Nor is it too soon to begin an angry picket line if they don’t have it.
A Higgledy-Piggledy On The Theme of “Mesothelioma Lawyers”
Asbestos tragedies,
mesotheliomas
happen most frequently
inside folks’ pleuras.
Then they get bloodthirsty
mesothelioma
lawyers to harass their
stingy insurers.
Can a poet make a good living in this modern world?
I’ve decided to find out. I’m going to write a series of poems based around the highest-paying search terms. If all goes well, I will soon be raking in the advertising dollars. Plus, I’ll be writing beautiful verse that will live in glory for all eternity, so I got that going for me, too.
The first installment:
A Clerihew, On The Theme Of “Chicago Personal Injury Lawyer”
Jonathan Worthington Serrington Sawyer
(a Chicago personal injury lawyer)
achieved his fame
through the length of his name.
I don’t get many tipoffs from readers, mainly because I don’t have that many readers. (I am excluding the vast throngs who seem to find me via google, read my Snakes on a Plane trailer, and then wander off, never to return, leaving me feeling used and lonely.)
In any case, when I post something a link that somebody else e-mailed me, I have generally described my benefactors as “alert readers.” Alert they certainly are, but I always feel a slight pang of guilt when I use the phrase, since I so closely associate it with Dave Barry.
Henceforth, when readers are kind enough to send me a tipoff, I will use a different adjective for them each time, steadily working my way through the alphabet until I reach Z. Then I’ll start over again.
Alas, while Lauren and I were traveling in the US, we missed the chance to taste the world’s most expensive sandwich: £100 worth of “rare Wagyu beef, the finest fresh duck foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit with English plum tomatoes in a sour dough bread.”
As Selfridge’s points out, “for real food lovers this represents a remarkable value.” By failing to purchase one of these–or, indeed, dozens of these–value sandwiches, we have displayed a shameless disregard for frugality. Where will we ever get rare Wagyu beef at such a reasonable price?
(Thanks to brainy reader Adam Price for the link.)