Our flat is being visited today by a professional visitor. This is actually how she signs her letters: “Susan Watson, Visitor.” I would like to imagine that, before landing the job, she had to undertake intensive studies in tea sipping, biscuit consumption, and mantelpiece-photograph commenting. Sadly, the truth of the matter is that her workday consists of visiting flats on behalf of their owners, to ensure that the roof is not in danger of collapse and the walls are not covered with mold.

I’m not quite sure how stringent her investigation is going to be, so I’ve done a bit of cleanup before her arrival, to remove the dirty laundry and used dishes that have accumulated since Lauren left me alone in an immaculately cleaned flat this morning.
When Susan arrives, her first question is: “What’s that in the doorway?” She’s pointing to our mezzuzah–the small case containing Bible verses that Jews affix to our doorposts. I hurriedly explain that we’ve placed it there using removable adhesive, and we plan to take it down when we leave.
“Oh, that’s fine,” she says, “but what is it?”
Something in her tone makes it clear that she has some hidden reason for asking. This makes me uncomfortable. Paranoid though it may be, I’m always a bit nervous when somebody I have just met begins sniffing around my religious heritage. True, in my own personal experience, these inquiries virtually always end up being expressions of sincere and respectful interest. Nonetheless, on some atavistic level, I can’t shake the feeling that the next logical step after “Weinstein–that’s an interesting name” is to summon up the Cossacks and burn down the shtetl.
In this case, whatever Susan’s motivation for asking, the Cossacks are going to have a hard time getting their horses up the narrow stairway of our converted Victorian building, so it’s probably safe to answer her question. I explain the religious significance of the mezzuzah to her–in great detail, in fact, since I tend to get wordier when I’m nervous. I tell her about the passage in Deuteronomy which declares there is only one God and goes on to say, “You shall write these words on the doorposts of your house, and upon your gates.” The mezzuzah, I explain, is the result of that commandment. Then, as casually as I can, I add, “Why do you ask?”
“Oh,” she explains. “One of the characters on ‘Sex And The City’ had one on her door, and I always wondered what it was.”