People often ask what things I miss most about the United States. The first thing is always the friends and family members who live there. The second thing is always living in a country whose fate my vote can govern. The third thing varies from day to day, but right now, it’s “Survivor: All Stars.”

I recognize that, for a small stubborn minority, reality TV ranks up there with species extinction, global warming, and John Ashcroft as one of the great plagues of the modern era. But the people who look down on “Survivor” are generally those who have never watched it, and I have nothing but contempt for somebody with the stunning arrogance to say, “I have never seen this show, but I can sense merely by observing it at a distance that it is utterly unworthy of me.”
(For my British readers, I should explain that “Survivor” is much like “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here.” The difference is that “Survivor” features unknowns– except for “Survivor: All Stars,” which featured a selection of the most popular contestants from past episodes. Imagine a show called “I’m A Celebrity Because I Appeared On ‘I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here’: Get Me Out Of Here.”
And for my American readers, I should explain that “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here,”is like Survivor, only with B- and C-list celebrities. Why then, you might ask, don’t I simply get my fix from “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here”? The answer is that, although I have never seen the show, I can sense merely by observing it at a distance that it is utterly unworthy of me. )
Fortunately, my sister has been kind enough to tape Survivor:All Stars, and send me several episodes at a time. Unfortunately, the entire United States media conspired against us, and the winner was revealed in a recent Yahoo news headline.
I understand that the usual instinct of the news writer is to put as much information as possible into a headline. I understand as well that, until I take my rightful place as Monarch of the Universe (or, at the very least, as Prime Minister of Britain), the rules of journalism cannot be written for the express purpose of allowing me a spoiler-free Survivor experience.
But in this global, interconnected, Tivo-heavy world, it would not be unreasonable for journalists to keep in mind that any given show might be watched by somebody anywhere, any time. Indeed, among Americans living abroad, the trade in tapes of the latest West Wing or Friends episodes forms its own complex economy, like cigarettes in prison.
Would it be too much, therefore, to ask that headlines say “Survivor Winner Announced,” instead of “ Named Survivor Winner?”
Journalists of the world, I thank you for your attention. You may now go back to worrying about less pressing issues.