At great personal risk, we here at Yankee Fog have obtained an exclusive sneak look at the trailer for the upcoming prestige film Snakes On A Plane. We are pleased to present you, our readers, with a complete and unedited transcript.
VOICE OVER: In a world where snakes can get on a plane…
FADE IN ON: An airline check-in counter. The TICKET LADY is stamping somebody’s ticket.
On the other side of the ticket counter is the passenger: a snake. In an effort to look more human, the snake is wearing a false moustache and an old-fashioned bowler hat.

TICKET LADY: Enjoy the flight, Mr…
(CHECKING THE NAME ON THE TICKET) Snakerson.
THE SNAKE: Sssssssss.
VOICE OVER: … one man is on a plan with snakes.
CUT TO: Samuel L. Jackson, sitting on a plane. The snake is sitting in the chair next to him. Jackson chats away, apparently unaware that his seatmate is a snake.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: Well, all I’m saying is, just because I had a baby with her
doesn’t make me a father, you know what I’m saying? I mean, I want to go
to the birthday party, but I’ve gotta fly to LA and take care of business.
THE SNAKE: Sssss….
The camera pulls back to reveal that every passenger on the plane except Samuel L Jackson is actually a snake . They are wearing a wide variety of disguises–one of them has a fake bushy Hasidic beard and is wearing a prayer shawl. Another has an outrageous afro.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: Hey, you’ve got something on your moustache there.
He reaches over to brush it off, and the moustache comes off.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: Wait a minute. You’re a SNAKE!
VOICE OVER: Now.. that man must warn the world.
CUT TO: Jackson is in the cockpit. The pilot is slumped over, dead. Jackson yells into the radio.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: You’ve got to listen to me. There are SNAKES… on the
PLANE!
CUT TO: Samuel L Jackson punching a snake. The snake is wearing a pair of jeans.
Jackson finally knocks the snake out. He rummages through the snake’s pockets and is shocked by what he finds.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: Oh my God. This snake has a PILOT’S LICENCE!
CUT TO: Samuel L. Jackson is talking on one of those phones they have in the seatbacks of planes. Tears are streaming down his face.
SAMUEL L JACKSON: Listen, sweetie, I know I haven’t been the best
father. I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’m going to get through this, and I wanted
you to know something: I love you very, very much. Oh, and by the way,
there are motherfucking SNAKES! On the goddamn PLANE!
VOICEOVER: Coming soon: SNAKES ON A PLANE. Because on a plane…
nobody can hear the snakes.
FADE OUT.
Welcome, Snakes on a Plane fans! If you enjoyed this sneak preview, you might want to check out my newly published humor book, The Government Manual for New Superheroes